Lard

Lard is the new craze of the nineties. Forget skateboarding, macramé and Crackerjack - Lard is in!

The Facts

Lard is one of the most versatile materials known to man. It combines the lightness of congealed fat with the tensile strenth of low-fat margarine, for an all-round quality which is almost unbeatable. For this reason, it is being used in a large number of construction areas:

NASA, formerly hardline butter users, have confessed to trials of Lard for shielding the next generation of reusable space plane. It is expected to be applied to the vehicle before launch by an army of technicians with table knives.
The exciting Millenium Dome, may be coated with a thin layer of Lard to reflect excess sunlight, which would otherwise cause a greenhouse bandwagon type effect inside the dome, making the dome's ice-caps melt, raising the sea level inside. A picture would be included here, but I haven't got a scanner, and I can't be bothered to draw one.
Mr Adrian I-Can't-Believe-It's-Not-El-Salvador, of Cornwall, has built himself a house made entirely from Lard. He expects it to withstand even the strongest gales for several years. A spokesman, Mr Bignose The-Pirate, was heard to say "Would you like to come upstairs, for a cup of cocoa, and some thinly sliced lard?"

The Fans

Many people have been secretly worshipping Lard for a number of years. These range from simple pagan ceremonies with effigies of gods and godesses (never one to offend the feminists) made from Lard, to more worrying odd deeds.

Cuddly showbiz midget Tom Cruise puts his failure to have children down to the influence of Lard on his life. Or something like that.
Celebrity ugly bird Mel B of the Spice Girls regularly coats her hair in Lard. She says "It keeps it looking like I've just woken up."
I can't be bothered with another slanderous lie. On to the silly stuff.

The Results

The results of fans' adulation of Lard is obvious to see with countless (at least 10) examples of Lard entering popular society. Following are some examples, and please feel free to email me with any more you may have.

Books:	Songs:
Lard of the Rings	Lard Lard Me Do - Unknown
Lardshead Revisited	Crazy Little Thing Called Lard - Queen
A Brief History of Lard	Addicted To Lard - Robert Palmer
Lard and Prejudice	Lard Talking - Unknown
	(I Can't Help) Falling In Lard With You - UB40
	It Must Have Been Lard - Roxette
	Save The Best For Lard - Vanessa Williams
	A Million Lard Songs - Take That
	I Want To Know What Lard Is - Foreigner
Recipes:	Slave To Lard - Brian Ferry
Thinly-sliced lard	I'd Do Anything For Lard (But I Won't Do That) - Meat Lard
Lard burgers and chips	Lard Is All Around - Wet Wet Wet
Lobster and aubergine on a bed of scallops. And lard	How Deep Is Your Lard - The Beegees

Even the Christians, never one to refuse a bandwagon when they see one, have joined in, forcing millions of schoolchildren to pay homage with The Lard's Prayer every day.

Author's Note: This page is not intended to cause offense to anyone. If it does, so much the better. Complain, why don't you. See if I care.